Sauron. . .the crossdresser
by Skie
Summary: Sauron finds himself in an interesting predicament, while a ranger visits Aragorn as king. 2nd part is up!!
1. Default Chapter

Notes: This story takes place right after Return of the King. Everyone is celebrating and enjoying what looks to be a long peaceful reign. However, Sauron, while terribly weak, is not completely destroyed as most people believe. deciding at last that an eye couldn't do much of anything, he left that form and used his one last talent(possessing people) to take a stronger and far more useful form. Unfortunately, due to some mishap, he ended up becoming Arwen. Sad, really. Meanwhile, Raine, a ranger and longtime . . . companion of Aragorn is on her way to visit him as king.  
  
Raine marched resolutely up the palace steps, trying her best not to feel intimidated. It was bad enough that she had to come here and see her best friend(and more, hint hint) dote upon his new wife(who was damn useless in her opinion), but now she was beginning to feel out of place seeing all the Lords and Ladies dressed in their finery. She was still dressed in her green and brown forest garb, her sword hanging of her belt and a variety of throwing knives hidden in various pockets. The sleeves were rolled up to the elbows, displaying several scars she had earned, though now she was wishing she hadn't done so.  
  
Raine approached a small chamber and was confronted by a short staunchy man holding a scroll.  
  
"Name, please, and time of appointment?" he asked.  
  
"Appointment?" she replied, confused, "I though I just-"  
  
The scribe sniffed in disdain and said, "Well, I'll put you on the list, but you'd better be prepared to wait awhile. The King is very busy, you know."  
  
He thought she was a complete moron.  
  
"Whom should I say seeks an audience with his Majesty?"  
  
"Raine the ranger for Strid- oh, I mean er. . . King Aragorn."  
  
He sniffed again, as if he would rather swim through a pit of vipers than announce a ranger just out of the forest had arrived. Raine had a delightful image of a viper sinking its venom into the scribe's ass as she went to take a seat.  
  
"I think it would be more punishing for the snake though," she thought cheerfully, and still had a smile on her face when Aragorn burst out through the throne room.  
  
Tall, dark, handsome, he was just the way she remembered him. Rising, Raine was unsure whether she should bow, or curtsy, or something but Aragorn answered that question for her by wrapping his her in his huge arms and squeezing tight. Almost instantly, the familiar fire spread through her body, and every cell began to burn at his touch.  
  
"Oh no!" she groaned inwardly, "I can't still be in love with him, that was ages ago!"  
  
"I missed you," he said softly, pushing her back to get a better look.  
  
"I know!" she exclaimed, covering up her feelings, "I want to hear all about your adventures-"  
  
"Yes, yes," he said excitedly, "and I can't wait to hear about yours. But come, first you must meet my wife."  
  
This was the part Raine had been dreading the most. She had no desire to meet that man-stealer, that whore! Yet she put on her bravest face, the one used for battle, and followed the king into the throne room.  
  
At first, Arwen was exactly what Raine thought she would be. She was sitting there in her expensive gown and precious jewels, surround by eight handmaidens in frilly dresses, not doing a damn thing.  
  
"Oh, I'm gonna knock this bitch out," Raine thought irritably.  
  
"Arwen, this is Raine; Raine, Arwen," Aragorn said, his eyes shining with pleasure as he looked at his queen.  
  
"I'm like so pleased to meet you," came a clearly masculine voice in an obvious female falsetto.  
  
Raine was relieved by this. After all, Aragorn had gone through the trouble to put a corssdresser on the throne instead of Arwen to welcome her, which to Raine was a fairly humorous joke. And the queen couldn't be too bad a person if she was going through with this.  
  
But as she walked closer, she felt the dark power that surrounded him and saw the glowing red eyes that had haunted her dreams for so long. . .  
  
"Holy shit!" she yelled, a throwing knife materializing into her hand, "It's Sauron!"  
  
Incredibly, impossibly, Aragorn's wife was the dark wizard of tales. Sauron was indeed before her, dressed in expensive velvets and pearls, fanning himself with a silk fan.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn demanded deftly grabbing her wrist and pulling away her knife.  
  
"Aragorn, look! The eyes, the aura, surely you of all people would recognize Sauron!"  
  
"Dearest, what is like this commoner like talking about?" Sauron squealed in a high-pitched voice.  
  
"Look, just because you don't like the way she looks, doesn't give you the right to call her mean names," Aragorn stated, then added softly, "You'll make her cry."  
  
Raine stood there completely stunned, but spun around hurriedly when she heard a clatter. One of the handmaidens had dropped her fan and as she picked it up, the ranger saw the clawed skeletal hand quickly disappear under folds of pink fabric.  
  
"Oh Hell! Ringwraiths!" she shrieked, pointing at the wraiths with pink frilly dresses and curly blonde wigs, "Aragorn look! Can't you see how ghastly they are?"  
  
"Raine, careful what you say about the ladies," Aragorn said sternly, "they are quite sensitive about their appearance. Poor, delicate things."  
  
The maidens/wraiths giggled appreciatively, while behind her Arwen/Sauron chuckled darkly on his throne.  
  
"You will be staying awhile right?" Sauron screeched, smoothing out the folds in his dress, "We would like so love the company of like a ranger. . .umm. . .like?"  
  
"Oh you simply must stay," Aragorn said, sounding more like a giddy three-year old instead of a king.  
  
Raine's gaze flicked from Sauron, to the Ringwraiths, to Sauron again, and finally settled on Aragorn.  
  
"Of course I'll stay," she said with an uneasy smile, watching a Ringwraith apply lipstick "You didn't think you could run a kingdom without me, did you?"  
  
Okay, this was basically just a bunch of setup(since I didn't have a lot to go off of), the second part is funnier, I swear! 


	2. The new queen

Raine realized she was going to need help, so after she was shown a room, she sat down to write a note to Gandalf. She had never been as close to the wizard as Strider had been so only a short letter was required.  
  
Gandalf-  
  
Arwen is Sauron.  
  
~Raine  
  
While waiting for a response, the ranger spent most of her days with Aragorn, taking him to bars, pubs, and all the places he shouldn't be going to now that he was king. It would be inaccurate to say that he fell head- over-heels in love with her, but his feelings certainly became more romantically inclined. These feelings were aided of course by the fact that Arwen wasn't putting out, due to the fact that Sauron didn't swing that way. But the two could never get alone because at every turn they were stalked by a handmaiden wannabe. Raine thought she would go insane when she finally got an answer from Gandalf.  
  
Raine-  
  
Thanks for your long descriptive letter, lol(that means laugh out loud in case you didn't know, hon). But seriously though, it surprises me that Sauron is still alive, but he must be so weak by now that if you kill him in this form he will be destroyed. Yeah, I know that's what we said last time but. . .well. . .shut up! Anywhoo, I would kill the bastard myself, but personally I'd rather watch you do it.  
  
Ciao,  
  
Gandalf  
  
Wizard  
  
P.S. -Hey if you've finally gotten over that loser Aragorn, why don't you come to the land where the shadows lie and take a look at my precious? (Sorry to all readers who got a nasty mental image, but I had to put it in somewhere)  
  
Cursing, Raine threw her letter into the fire. Now she was assigned with the duty of killing a dark wizard for the purpose of entertainment. That didn't bother her as much as the thought of how Aragorn would react when he found out. On one hand, he was so dedicated to Arwen that he failed to see what she was, but on the other he certainly didn't mind his fellow ranger's company. . .  
  
Shrugging the thought from her mind, Raine began to form a strategy.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Three days later, Raine stumbled into her room after a particularly rough sparring exercise with Aragorn. Looking forward to only a hot bath(perhaps with a little male company), she was only mildly surprised to see Sauron waiting for her, donned in a lovely sky blue gown.  
  
"You're looking quite feminine today Sauron," Raine stated with a wry smile, "If you've come to kill me at last take care not to get any blood on you. It doesn't go with your bone structure."  
  
"I'm so gonna like, kick your ass," Arwen's face twisted in a sneer.  
  
He pounced on her, but with reflexes born from battle she managed to leap out of the way. He grabbed her legs, to pull her down, but she kicked upward as hard as she could, sending Arwen's body flying backwards. There was a small breaking sound followed by a cry of despair.  
  
"You broke my nail!" Sauron screeched, holding up a jagged fingertip," It took many hours with a nail file to get cuticles like this! You're going down bitch!"  
  
Sauron flung himself at her again, this time rage making his aim true. He pinned her down and as he raised his fist to deliver the killing blow, Raine took her free hand and slammed her fist into the elfin queen's face. Before Sauron could recover, Raine stabbed her sword through his body. Instantly, the dark aura surrounding him seemed to break into a thousand pieces, scattering to the wind while Arwen's dead body slid from her weapon.  
  
Exhausted, Raine sat down to clean her sword while looking at Arwen. She had never liked the woman, true, but the elf certainly hadn't deserved to be possessed. Yeah, whatever, continuing. . ..  
  
Aragorn burst into the room, his eyes immediately taking in the sight of his dead wife surrounded in a pool of her own blood.  
  
"What happened?" he asked quietly, making no move to get closer to Arwen.  
  
"Well. . .umm. . .Aragorn. . .umm . . .Arwen. . .see she kind of. . . impaled herself on her nail!" Raine announced dramatically as the idea came to her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She was in my room, just talking and stuff when she got up and tripped. Her fingers somehow got in the way, and next thing I knew, she's dead. Look!!!" she pointed to Arwen's broken nail that had no blood on it whatsoever.  
  
Aragorn, if he noticed, kept silent and nodded, heaving a sorrowful sight, "Now who will I have as my queen?"  
  
Raine slid closer to her companion and grinned, "Oh, trust me Strider, you don't have to worry about that!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
